All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
