omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
