a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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