Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
