Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
