I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
