the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
