Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
