you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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