Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
