Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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