i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
