Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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