im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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