dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
