i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
