I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
