oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
