i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
