We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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