worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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