call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
