Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Terrible idea I love it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize