Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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