I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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