Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Randomize
