Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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