I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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