Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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