you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
