dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
