his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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