I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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