Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
