We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
