Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
