I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
