Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
