Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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