I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
