My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
