you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
