Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
