I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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