Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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