Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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