Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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