I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
