I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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