A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How does it feel to date your dad?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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