you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
