i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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