im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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