there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hippo gnu deer
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
