He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
