things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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