Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
