on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
