I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
