Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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