you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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