i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
